The Bush administration on Monday announced its plan to introduce a new initiative to deal with a problem that has plagued the world’s teens for time immemorial. The new initiative, called Porcelain-only Education, will be offered as an amendment to the military-operations supplemental appropriations bill which is now pending in Congress.
The interest in the initiative has been brewing inside conservative circles at least since President George W. Bush was governor of Texas. According to a senior administration official, “We thought now was a good time to put a new face on this Administration. We’ve had a tough go with the Social Security pitch, and the President wanted to make sure the American people knew we could still ‘get results’.” The official spoke on the condition of anonymity, but did confirm that Bush himself had emphasized “get results” by making quotation-marks with his fingers.
Referred to today by White House Spokesman Scott McClellan as Abstinence-Only’s “fairer sibling,” Porcelain-Only Education will stress the importance for teens of having clear and unblemished skin. “It is important for teens’ confidence, self-esteem, and most importantly their self-respect that they are comfortable in their skin,” said Education Secretary Margaret Spellings. “Teen pregnancy is not the only concern this Administration has. Teen hideousness matters too.”
According to Spellings, Porcelain-Only Education will require that health instructors at the nation’s public middle- and high-schools stress the importance of clear skin. Teens will learn that having clear skin is the only “100 percent method for avoiding unsightly blemishes.” One proposed text book, provisionally entitled “The Liberating Force of Acne-Freedom,” includes several worksheets asking students to list the virtues of skin clarity and the “Vicious Vices” of letting oneself succumb to the “ugliness of the unctuous.” Another worksheet, “Pizza-Face or Personal Responsibility?” attempts to get teens out of the “pimple business” by reminding them that employers tend to prefer “the good ones.” Interviews with the creators of the text book have revealed that by “good ones” the book refers to “You know, people without skin problems.”
The proposal has already met with harsh criticism. Opponents point out that the proposed curriculum says nothing about the role that Mother Nature plays in determining the condition of teenagers’ skin. “Ninety percent of teens experience at least some acne. It’s a normal phenomenon during adolescence. Yet these text books foster the myth that teens are doing something wrong if they have imperfect skin,” says Jane P. Forster, who is in charge of the county’s school nurses.
Other opponents point out that there is no mention in the curriculum of prevention. While there are many medications and daily regimens that have been developed over the years to deal with acne, the text books conspicuously leave out any reference to them. When confronted with this allegation, Spellings was remarkably blunt. “Yes, of course we know what’s in the text books. The President believes very strongly in what he calls the Culture of Life, and that culture is inconsistent with the teaching of personal dependency. We had to make a decision: do we teach the virtues of Acne-freedom, or the destructive culture of dependency on the means for achieving that freedom. We believe that the choice is clear, even if that means our children’s skin won’t be.”
Damn, that's pretty good. Parody, I mean.
Posted by: Chris at April 18, 2005 10:37 PM